Forgiveness for the Damned
by DaughterOfSorceress-Lion
Summary: Post New Moon/Pre Eclipse. With Bella under house arrest, Alice brought the shopping to Bella, with Jasper in tow. With Charlie at work and Edward off hunting, a “girls plus one movie night” becomes the night of forgiveness, we never got.
1. A Brother's Guilt: Jasper

Summery: Post New Moon/Pre Eclipse. With Bella under house arrest, Alice brought the shopping to Bella, with Jasper in tow. With Charlie at work and Edward off hunting, a "girls (plus one) movie night" becomes the night of forgiveness, we never got.

AN: There were two things that bugged me the most in the Twilight saga… they may seem silly, but one thing is Edwards view on souls, the other was that there was never really any resolution between Bella and Jasper after her birthday. This one was to make that scene a possibility… though as always it turned out much more than expected… much like "Leaving Your Soulless Thoughts Behind You" this could change how some characters (Bella mainly) would act during the next book, during certain situations. So despite the itty bitty bit of AUishness, I hope you Enjoy. R and R if ya like.

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.

_**Forgiveness for the Damned**_

___A Brother's Guilt_ -___________________ Jasper _

"Hey Charlie!" I looked away from washing the dinner dishes to see Alice in the doorway. Whenever she greeted Charlie first, it was because she wanted something. She had tried to get him to let me go Shopping, though she knew the answer was no… considering I sliced my finger across my neck eliciting a chuckle from Charlie and a prompt glare from Alice even though she had her back turned at the time, she no doubt saw it… so why she tried I'm not sure. Alice turned to smile at me and I smiled back with amusement. I turned to finish the dishes up.

"Hey Ali…" Charlie was at the TV and normally just threw her a glance, if that. Unlike Edward, Charlie liked Alice, he was putty in her hands. But he had been distracted by something. I finished drying off the last plate and turned to see Jasper in the doorway with ten bags, five in each hand while Charlie was staring at the bags like an idiot. Well… I couldn't say much for that as I was staring at them stunned as well. I raised my eye brows at Jasper, I had hung out with Alice enough to know the names on those bags were clothing companies… she had lost her mind.

"Bella, Chief Swan." Jasper greeted us politely.

"Well Charlie, seeing as You wouldn't let Bella out to go shopping, I brought the shopping to her." Understanding swept through me and an intense fear of what was to come over came me. I was now once again glaring at the offending bags.

"Alice, I…"

"Don't worry, we'll use your bedroom as your dressing room and Jasper will stand outside holding the stuff that I'll be taking back." She smiled brightly and I at once felt amusement and pity for Jasper, who wasn't doing his best at the human façade at the moment. He should set the bags down. Alice poked him giving him a meaningful look to which he promptly dropped the bags. I couldn't help but chuckle at him for that. He managed to look slightly embarrassed at Alice. She picked up some of the bags and walked up the stairs to my room.

"I don't know how you do it kid." Charlie gave him a pitying look and once again turned to the TV.

"Jasper, Bella, come on!" Jasper sighed and picked up the remaining bags as the phone began to ring. I heard a giggle. Stupid pixie! I picked up the phone.

"Swan residence."

"Is the Chief there, It's Mark."

"Yeah, hang on." I put my hand over the mouthpiece,

"Dad, Mark's on the phone!" I heard him get off the couch and I left the phone on the counter and made my way to my coming doom. I was rather surprised that Jasper was here. Not that I'd seen any of the Cullen's besides Alice and Edward at School, it rather seemed that Jasper avoided me. I knew he still found it difficult around humans, So it seemed rather odd that she hadn't brought Edward instead. I entered my bedroom to find Alice and Jasper kissing lightly, sitting on my bed.

"Don't defile my bed!" They broke apart and Alice had the decency to look embarrassed while Jasper threw me a smirk as he got up, I had to resist the urge to stick my tongue out at him as he walked out of my room closing the door behind him. I raised an eye brow at Alice, I'm fairly positive Edward would not be amused… She set about pulling clothing out of bags and arranging them in order for me to try on.

"Don't worry I'll get you a new one if you want… trust me it's not that bad. Emmett and Rose had to get Edward a new couch once, and not from breaking it." I couldn't help the cringe of that mental thought from crossing my features.

"A little too much info Alice." She snickered, finishing the last outfit. A small knock on my door interrupted anything that would be said after that.

"Bells?" I opened the door letting him in some.

"Mark's wife just went into labor, so I'm going to go fill in at the office for him." Charlie narrowed his eye's at Alice, she smiled.

"Don't worry Charlie, Edward is banned from the house for tonight, Bella and I are doing girl stuff. When we're done with the bag holder, he'll go home too." He nodded his head after thinking it over.

"Alright, don't stay up too late Bells."

"No worries dad." He turned leaving and closing the door as he patted Jasper on the shoulder,

"Have fun." Jasper tried to smile but it was more of a grimace, for more than one reason I'm sure. And then the door closed.

"Bag holder?"

"That's what he is." I rolled my eye's at Alice as she handed me outfit number one.

"And clearly he's loosing his touch, either that or my Dad's hanging out with you guys too much." She giggled and the snort from the other side of the door was easily heard.

"A bit of both I think." I heard Charlie leave for the office in his Cruiser. The next few outfits were worn and put into the keep pile by Alice with few words. I had a feeling all of these were going in the keep pile, and I was just trying them on for her amusement. But I let her have her fun… then I realized why Jasper was here. I made sure not to push down any of my irritation.

His laughter… which I don't think I had ever heard before, just raised my irritation as he battled it down. I glared at Alice, she gave me one of her "I didn't do anything" looks. I should be mad that she not only bought me clothes, but I should also be fighting tooth and nail against trying these on when she already knew what it looked like. Instead, there was only compliance, and steadily dwindling irritation.

"Nice." She smiled her perfect smile and I submitted to the wishes of the pixie and the influence of the empath. A few more outfits went without a word, then I had to ask.

"So seeing as Edward isn't allowed in the house, did someone finally drag him hunting?"

"Emmett did. Poor boy's terrified of leaving you alone." She said teasingly, then slipped into a darker tone, "Though he has good reason." The hole in my chest was gone, but the memories brought it's ghost out. Before I could slam it away I felt a flash of guilt that was not my own, and then was comforted in a reassuring warmth. I smiled.

"Thanks Jasper." I heard nothing. Did he still blame himself?

"And I am under strict order to stay with you tonight, so I figured we'd make a sleep over since Charlie's not here." I just shook my head. I tried on the last outfit, and Alice threw it in the only pile on my bed, the keep pile. She was a blur as she put everything away and I was once again stuck with compliance, and a very small amount of annoyance. Nope, that was gone too, just compliance.

"Alright I picked out a few movies for us to choose from, sorry no Romeo and Juliet." I rolled my eye's.

"What are my choices?" She reached into one of her bags and pulled out three movies Glory a civil war movie with Matthew Broderick, Chocolat with Johnny Depp, and Interview with a Vampire with Brad Pitt. I snorted at the last one. I knew that Alice couldn't technically see which one we were going to watch if I was the one that actually chose, but either one, minus the interview, would work… preferably Chocolat.

"Chocolat it is!" I just had to love Alice. "Okay…" She grabbed the same bag and threw a pair of blue and black plaid cotton pants and a loose fitted royal blue basic t-shirt at me. I didn't realize Alice was capable of picking stuff like this out… and it was blue, and non ratty and slightly more… well attractive maybe?

"Your welcome." I just smiled,

"Thanks." She giggled. I looked up and she was already in light pink silk pants and a loose, almost baggy long sleeved night shirt of the same color and material.

"I'll go get the movie ready… Do you mind if the Bag Holder stays, even though I told Charlie I'd kick him out?" I raised an eye brow, what further torture did she have in store for me? And was I the one that was annoyed by the Bag Holder nickname, or was that him? I couldn't really tell. I had figured out how to live with Alice's ability, and I'd learned, to a point, how to live with Edward's ability to read other's minds, and the over protective stance he nearly always held… but I hadn't spent much time with Jasper, other than our trip to Phoenix, so I hadn't really learned how to live with Jasper's ability. Maybe Alice was trying to bridge the gap a little bit, knowing that one day I'd be a part of their family, even though I couldn't get out of the house now… or she could just be using him to get her way with me?

"I was kind of hoping to do your hair while we watched the movie…?" It could be both I guess. Or not.

"If he isn't too uncomfortable and he want's to… sure." She let out an over excited squeal.

"Take your shower, get changed and come down stairs." Regardless of what Alice wanted to get out of this, it was the perfect time to figure out the difference between my emotions and his emotions and his control of my emotions… I'd have to pay attention, while hopefully enjoying Alice's hair torture for me to groan in frustration at later.

I took a quick shower to wash the grime of the day off and wrung as much water as possible out of my hair. I knew water tended to make a humans scent stronger. I brushed it through hoping Alice would be happy and that Jasper wouldn't have difficulties. I went down stairs and the title screen was playing Chocolate. Lot's of…

"Not that you need chocolate to make you happy with Jasper around but I figured you might want some." She handed me a bag of milk chocolate Chocolate Stars. Acceptance and gratitude. Gratitude check, acceptance… it's chocolate.

"Thanks." She smiled.

"Don't give Edward any ideas about dragging Jasper with us to a car dealership, alright" I gave Jasper a pointed look, he raised his hands up in an appropriately human gesture of surrender. Alice smiled at the exchange… maybe this was for me and Jasper as much as it was for me and her.

She grabbed a pillow off the couch and put it on the floor and opened the bag of stars.

"Sit." She motioned to the pillow on the floor. I sat and she gave me the chocolate. For a moment it made me feel like a dog getting a treat after performing some trick. I quickly squashed it as Jasper covered his laugh with a cough… yeah vampires don't just cough. Jasper hit play and we watched Chocolat.

When I couldn't be annoyed with Alice's "Bella Barbie" time, it was surprisingly soothing. I'm pretty sure that it was Jasper at first, it seemed forced, but as the movie progressed, I think he let go of that and it was me. She was sitting cross legged on the couch behind me with a small bag of supplies. She brushed my hair, and was surprisingly careful to not hurt me or my hair when she got the snarls out. She used a water spray bottle to keep my hair from frizzing from static electricity. It was nice, sort of. I had always been so annoyed when she did this sort of thing I never noticed just how much care she put into it.

This was her way of showing she cared, even though I didn't appreciate it. Edward was always trying to get me material things, but that's never what I wanted, just like I never wanted more clothes, I just wanted to spend time with Him. And whether I liked shopping or the end result of what she got me, Shopping and "Bella Barbie" was my time with Alice.

I slumped further into the front of the couch and relaxed my head against Alice's knee. I'm fairly certain that she was braiding my hair, even though I hardly felt anything. All I did feel was when her cold feather light touch gathered a small amount of my hair, the comb making the partitions look symmetrical and the water spray bottle occasionally giving me a shiver when she used it to tame my hair. After each braid was done I heard a small rubber band snap into place, holding it there.

About half way through I had eaten more chocolate than I should have and was very thirsty, I doubted Alice would let me up, but…

"Jazz, could you get Bella a glass of milk?" I smiled, she may be annoying but she could be extraordinarily useful. I heard his hum of agreement as he got off the couch. He was back a lot sooner than he should have been with a glass full of milk. Then again he was a vampire. I thanked him and he sat back down next to Alice. I drank about half of it in a few gulps then set it aside to watch the rest of the movie. There were tears, and laughs, it wasn't as good as Romeo and Juliet, but it had it's moments. Alice wasn't done when the credits finished and the DVD went back to the start screen, it played over and over while my eye's drifted closed under the watchful eye of Alice and Jasper.

Edward hadn't been away from me at night yet, I still had nightmares on occasion, but not the one I had while they were gone. I thought that dream was forever locked away, never to return. I thought wrong.

_I was running, stumbling, searching… I was alone. The panic was increasing, I wasn't finding whatever it was that I was searching for. There was only green and green and a bit of wet brown, so much water, I was drowning in panic, in green, in water, in fear… It had been a while since I had this dream, but I recognized it, there was never any changing it, but I knew now that the end conclusion was wrong; there was something at the end, there was something to find. _

_It was at the point just before I normally came to the conclusion that there was nothing to find, when I stepped past a few trees into the Cullen's yard. I blinked and I was standing in front of a still picture of my birthday, just after my cut, just before Edward threw me backwards. I saw the possessed look in Jaspers eye, I also saw the fear within them, the regret. Alice stepped out of the frozen picture and moved around to face me. _

"_You're not good for Jasper." I didn't want to look her in the eye but I couldn't move._

"_You're not good for us." I blinked and I was in the one place in the woods were I always came to the conclusion that there was nothing to find, but Alice was in front of me wearing the same dispassionate face that Edward had just before he told me he didn't…_

"_You're not good for me." Alice spoke, then she disappeared and the panic returned to the appropriate level as I realized there was no one, no one at all left to find. Not Edward, not Alice… _And the screaming started.

My name was repeated by two voices through the screaming, I couldn't tell where it was coming from, then the panic and the pain stopped but the screaming did not. My name was repeated until I ran out of breath and opened my eye's.

"Bella?" Alice's concerned wide golden eye's were in front of me, I was in my bed, in my room, with my hair in little small braids.

"Alice?" I asked stupidly, relieved beyond reason.

"Bella, it was just a dream, you're ok."

"Alice?" I asked again. She looked at me confused and I practically attacked her and could not stop the tears that fell nor the painful relief Jasper was fighting.

"You're here, you're not gone, you're not gone, you're not gone, you're not gone, you didn't leave, you didn't leave me." I was close to hyperventilating and I couldn't control it, I couldn't control my breathing, I couldn't control my words, I couldn't control the relief, or the pain, or the fear.

"Jasper!" Alice yelled. She was holding me in a close hug, but I felt another hand on my shoulder and a peace and calm quickly descended over my consciousness leaving me in a black abyss far more comforting than the green sea of pain and loneliness.

I was still holding Alice in a death grip that she was effortlessly moving me out of, before I could panic too much she set me down back in my bed under the covers so that I laid facing the room. She laid down behind me and held me. It was different than Edward… but it still brought an insane amount of comfort. Jasper sat on my bed and placed a hand on my arm. I don't know if he was doing anything or if it was just his presence that soothed me further, regardless, the ghost of the pain quickly disappeared.

"It'll help to talk about it." I was perhaps as surprised that he would offer as much as I was surprised at his vote, though if it's what Alice wanted…

"We're always here to lend an ear if you need it." Alice said in a prodding way, so I decided to tell her. I was a nervous wreck at the moment. She let out a strange, growl, sob, moan… it wasn't anything I could honestly describe. You'd have to hear it. Jasper stiffened.

"It'll help Bella." She whispered into my ear then kissed the top of my head… full of braids.

"Edward…"

"We'll keep him in line." And so the dam broke.

"It was different than what it used to be. I didn't have it at all the first week, I was just "catatonic" then. But then Renee came to take me to Jacksonville, I didn't want to go, didn't want to leave what little memory of you I had left. I thought I was crazy sometimes. I knew I was crazy… I had to be, it wasn't normal. After Charlie finally gave me an ultimatum for getting out of the house, I went out with Jessica… figured out I really was crazy… but I chased it, wanted it, my insanity was the only thing that held back the pain that tore me open. When I started hanging out with Jacob, I didn't always have it, unless there was a reminder… but before that, I had it every night.

"It wasn't what most would consider to be scary, but for me it was terrifying. I would always be searching in the woods like I searched, even knowing I wouldn't find him after he left… and after searching in the real world, I came to the realization that he was gone. And in my dream, I just kept searching, until I realized, there was nothing to find… no reason to search. I was completely and utterly alone. I'd wake up screaming in pain every night. Charlie would burst in and hold me… but after a while, he didn't bother anymore, there was no comfort for the dying. I haven't had it since Alice came back though, even with the constant reminder of him, it was gone… because he wasn't the only one who left me." I came out of spilling my worst pain, to my best friend and her husband. I was trembling, I think Alice was too, I looked up to see Jasper, once again I saw fear and regret… only this time they were not covered by hostility, only sorrow.

"This time was different. Everyone was there, like a snap shot just after I got a paper cut, and then I was back in the woods… and she told me I was bad for her and you. And then there was nothing to search for anymore… again."

The embarrassment that followed was quickly denied to me. I was left with a feeling… it wasn't quite… human. It changed, once, twice, three times, four, five, six… the seventh change was human, and stronger than the others, the love for a daughter. I couldn't keep the gasp in. I looked up at Jasper once again.

"That last feeling is how your father feels for you." He let the feeling linger. "No matter what Charlie will always care for you. The reason he hates Edward… it's not just because he left you, it's because he instinctively, somehow knows that he will be the one to take you away." There should have been guilt, there should have been tears, but all I could feel, literally was my father's love. It ebbed away leaving me feeling inhuman once again.

"The rest are how we feel, it's at one fourth the intensity. Full intensity could quite possibly kill you, and when Edward says that he loves you more…" I was about to object, but he raised the his other hand up so that he could continue, "Literally, that is true, but when it comes to what vampires are capable of verses what human's are capable of, You're emotions are more powerful than anything I've felt come off of a human, and other than myself, Edwards love is the most… pronounced feeling in the house when you are with him." I let that sink in. I could deal with that I guess, in comparison to the rest of our species, our love matched. The inhuman feeling took on a different, tenor, so to speak.

"This is Rosalie's." I couldn't really put a finger on the emotion because it was so different, I could guess what it was but… "I don't feel entirely comfortable telling you how she feels, as she has no wish for you to know, it has changed from the time we were here last. No matter what she thinks of you or your relationship with Edward, she is happy to see him happy, and she has far more respect for you. Not everyone would go barreling into the lion's den just to try to save their ex." I had to laugh at that. Once again the feeling changed. This one was a bit more understandable, it was lighthearted, and had a sisterly love to it, kind of like what I felt for Alice, but it wasn't like Alice, it was more like…

"Emmett?" He smiled.

"Yes, I have no problem sharing his feelings for the same reason Edward doesn't have as much a problem with hearing his thoughts, even though I'm sure they are far more vulgar than anyone else's in the house." I gave him a questioning look. "Emmett says what he thinks, and expresses what he feels on his face regardless." I nodded my head, smirking. "It's not that complex really, He love you like he loves Alice, only he can take on the role of big brother more effectively… Alice doesn't trip or, really need protecting… by anyone other than me." Alice and I snorted at the same time… it was rather odd. He just gave us a smile. "But as for you, If you asked him to go beat up Mike, he'd do it without a second thought." Edward would do the same, but for a different reason I'm sure. "Yes Edward would do the same, but there's a difference between protecting one's mate, and protecting one's little sister." No doubt. Once again the feeling shifted. I could have melted in the comfort.

"Esme?"

"Yes, she already thinks of you as a daughter, you've no idea how much leaving hurt her, it wasn't just Edwards pain she hated. She knew the moment you accepted us for who and what we are, that you were no mere human. She recognized the ability to love the moment she first saw you. When Edward first told her why he thought you seemed so grown up for your age, she was upset that you never had what she thought was a good mother… icon in your life. She had no wish to replace Renee, but she wanted to give you what you seemed to have never had. When you started accepting her gestures of comfort during last summer, It made her so happy that she could at least try and fill in the hole you seemed to have." I smiled, Esme was the mother that everyone wanted. The housewife of every man's dream. The only difference was, she wasn't an actor, she was real. The feeling shifted again. But I couldn't pull anything out.

"Carlisle is yet another person I don't necessarily feel at ease sharing his feelings. He too considers you a daughter, but he… his regret for what happened has led himself to feel… well in human terms I guess you could call it unworthy of your love. I've told him that you do, I hope you don't mind." I shook my head. "Edward is his first son, he treats him as a grown man, even though Edward is still very much a seventeen year old. His decisions are impulsive and he still requires and seeks Carlisle's guidance. But Carlisle let Edward make his decision even though he was loath to leave you, it was Edwards choice, Edwards mate. He blames himself for not putting up a fight, for just agreeing. He doesn't feel worthy to have you as a daughter, when you still love him despite that. That's why it's such a turmoil of feelings." I realized we should talk, set things strait, and probably soon.

"I hadn't really understood, why Carlisle... But you're back and I really just, didn't want to push things. Just wanted to keep everyone here." Alice held me a little tighter and Jasper once again smiled, but it was clearly at Alice. She spoke,

"A talk would be good for both of you." I laughed softly… got to love having a psychic sister. The feelings changed again. It was powerful, It could have sent me crashing… and here I was dreading shopping.

"This is Alice." She squeezed me tighter for a moment then nodded her head. He continued. "You fill I hole that I can not. Rosalie is not exactly the most approachable and Esme is more of a mother, than a sister." I put my hand over Alice's… cool and comforting. Jasper continued "You know, we had a meeting after Edward saved you from Tyler's van." I nodded.

"Yeah, Edward said you did… that it was the worst fight you've had."

"It was, I didn't particularly care about the outcome, regardless, I saw your knowledge as a threat of exposure and thus a danger to Alice." I tried unsuccessfully to not tense up. He laughed humorlessly.

"It would have been quick, no blood involved. I had no wish to disappoint Alice while protecting her… But Edward of course knew, as did Alice," Alice spoke,

"The cut off time when Edward and Jasper would cross paths got further and further from your house, always ending in a fight." She was holding me tightly again,

"It was strange how set against harming you he was, considering how your blood calls to him. I'm not sure how it would have ended if Alice hadn't seen you though." Jasper noted. My eye brows furrowed in confusion. Alice told me, probably what Edward never wanted me to know… What he had meant by keeping her thoughts to herself. Alice explained her first vision of me… finally.

"It was just a picture, well two pictures. Both pictures had me holding my arm around you, both of us were smiling. One was with you as a human, the other was with you as a vampire. That's why he tried to stay away from you after that, he didn't want to subject you to our way of life." Jasper continued from there.

"The moment Alice saw that picture, I already began to feel a change, in both her and Edward. Alice said you were going to her sister one day, I trust her… probably more than I should." She giggled at that. "So things progressed, Alice grew ever impatient, because she was already best friends with you, the change had already occurred before she ever said a word to you. I'll be forever thankful for that." The feelings swirled again and when it hit, it hit hard.

"This is Edward before he met you. Dull, boring, lonely, nearly to the point of pain." I was gasping… "This is one fourth of what kind of existence he had. Then the feeling changed again, once again I was left breathless.

"This is what he felt when he came home to change after your first day in the meadow. The difference was so astounding, it made it that much more powerful. It was a constant struggle as he made his way up, steps forward, steps back, until finally he reached that happiness. It lasted until Alice saw James and his coven in the baseball field. Ever since then the happiness has been marred by self hate, by the need to protect. The need to protect you from himself, from what we are, eventually overcame that happiness and sent him spiraling." As Jasper walked me through, the feelings changed with it, but he did not give me the last one. "I won't make you feel that, I know from what Alice has told me how you held yourself, from flashes here and there, to how it changed when she came back… I've caused you enough…" I opened my mouth to protest, but his look pleaded with me not to. "You've felt enough pain. I felt it linger even though I wasn't honestly paying that much attention to anyone besides Alice when you came back." I chuckled.

"Yeah, you and Alice were having a serious staring match."

"You noticed?" Alice asked.

"Yeah."

"You were dead on your feet." I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Regardless, he's still torn by self hate for leaving, for hurting you, for putting you in danger in the first place. He truly does hate himself for that."

"I know." And I hated it that he did. I really wished that he wouldn't.

"He was so set on you staying human, as he would believe making sure you keep your soul, the way you phrased your question to the family caught him off guard. But you understood, you understand what he refuses to see. That they are one in the same. I don't think Edward will ever be able to reach that level of happiness he felt for nearly a day until you are one of us, when he's not _Always _terrified of something happening to you." My next words slipped out carelessly.

"Is that why you said yes?" His smile was grim, his eye's tightened.

"It was one of many reasons. Like I said before, Alice, is lonely without you, even when I'm with her. The Cullen's without Bella doesn't work, not any more, we tried. With you we are a family, without you we are merely a coven, if that. If I hadn't…" I knew what his next words would be.

"Jasper you…" He cut me off.

"Please, Edward heard it in my head, and Alice heard it in advance, and no one else needed or wanted it. Please let me say it." It was probably not on purpose, but I felt his desperation. So I let him. If this is what he needed. Alice put her hand on Jaspers which still rested on my arm.

"I'm sorry. I should have held better control than that. You can say it's just my nature, or that I'm still having difficulties because of my background, I was caught off guard, but it's not good enough. I almost killed my brothers mate, I almost killed my wife's best friend, I almost killed the glue that holds the Cullen's together, I almost killed my sister. I've worked on my control, but I'm still worried that it's not enough. I had every precaution down in my head to make sure I wouldn't slip.

"When you got a _paper cut,_ it was all shoved to the side while the monster broke loose. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I'm trying. The trust you feel around me, it doesn't make sense to me, even though I know you aren't the type to hold grudges, there should at least be some semblance of fear, but there's not, and I don't understand that, I don't deserve it. All I can do is beg forgiveness for my lack of control and promise to try, to try to keep the bloodthirsty monster in chains." He wasn't looking at me, and I could feel yet another tenor of emotion. It matched what he had been saying. This was Jasper, he didn't need me to tell him it wasn't his fault, he needed me to tell him that he was forgiven.

"Jasper. I forgive you." His head shot back to look at me, his eye's confused. The feelings I was grasping at were changing, they weren't so dark. I felt Alice smile, or… Jasper did?

"Thank you." I smiled and nodded my head.

"You're trying, and that's what counts." He returned the smile.

"Sleep Bella." Alice whispered, and I let my brother lull me into a state of oblivion as I laid in my sisters cool comforting arms.

* * *

AN: No I'm not leaving it there, no worries. This turned out far more… complex than I anticipated. There are other conversations with others to be had in the future as well. For now I hope you enjoyed the read, Review if you did ^_^


	2. The Guilt of a Mate: Then and Now

AN: The next segment of this story, who'd have thought… somehow it's hard to leave my one shots as one shots… go figure. Any way I'd like to thank ForksintheRoad for pointing out a few horrible spelling errors last chapter. I went back through and it's not much better but it's at least some.

So I guess another issue that my 'no resolution with Jasper issue' stemmed from, was that no one talked about their time away because Bella didn't want to. The dream she had last chapter and the resulting talk, let her let down some of those initial barriers. Thus this is still and forever will be a slightly AU fic from here on out… but it still sticks as though the events of Eclipse are still yet to happen.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga… Stephenie Meyer's does.

_**Forgiveness for the Damned**_

_The Guilt of a Mate - Edward_

_~ Part One ~ _

_Then and Now_

I awoke Saturday morning to the sound of the door downstairs closing, lying in a very different set of arms than the one's I went to sleep to. I leaned back into him glad to feel his chest against my back.

"Hey Charlie!"

"ARGH! Alice?" I chuckled as did Edward. I couldn't hear anything after that.

"Your father just got home and Alice is merely reminding him that she promised to do a sleep over in his absence. She is also making him eat… a cold piece of pizza was his choice, and telling him that you are still sleeping, so that he doesn't check in on you before he falls into a near dead sleep." I hummed in acknowledgement.

"And why would she need to divert him from checking in on me?" I asked.

"So that I don't have to let you go. Being away from you is far too stressful, Emmett attacked me because he was so fed up with me… that was actually kind of fun, but still not good enough to be away from you." I smiled as I chided him,

"You should spend more time with you're brothers. I'm sure Alice can pull another stunt like this."

"Yeah, she can't make anyone go into labor." I snorted, and then I had a hand over my mouth to silence my retort. Then I heard footsteps and understood why. I heard the door downstairs close and then my father's door closed.

"Alice left." He whispered in my ear sending an unrepressed shiver through my body. I'm sure he was grinning. We were silent. As we waited for Charlie to fall asleep, Edward brushed my his hand through my hair making me hum softly in enjoyment. He uncovered my mouth as my father began to snore surprisingly quickly after his door closed. I asked my question.

"What did she leave in if Jasper was 'sent home' in what they came in?"

"She brought my Volvo and Jasper brought her Porsche."

"Ah." Silence and my fathers snoring was all that surrounded us as we laid on my bed, just enjoying the other's presence. He kissed the top of my head, and started laughing.

"What?"

"You're hair smells like Alice." I chuckled and turned around to face him. As I did so I realized my hair wasn't in braids anymore. I grabbed it, staring in confusion. "She took pictures don't worry. She said after fifteen minutes you'd try and take them out, so she did it for you, so it was done without hurting your hair, as she claims you do." I scoffed at that, but it was quickly replaced by a smile and I snuggled closer to him. I wondered how much he knew about last night. Alice and Jasper promised to keep him in line… but what exactly did that encompass?

"It was nice spending time with Alice… and I'm glad Jasper came too." I didn't say much more than that. Not knowing what he knew. I just knew that I was glad that Jasper and I had finally cleared the air so to speak.

"Hmm, Jasper was worried for more than one reason, but he's glad as well." I tensed.

"How much did they tell you?" He was silent for a moment.

"From the screaming to you falling asleep with Jaspers help, and Alice where I should have been." He said the last part with distaste. Regardless, I'm glad that it was Alice… If Edward had been there, last night would have never happened. I sighed, at least he was calm. The only thing I was really worried about at this point was that he'd be mad at Jasper for ratting him out.

"Are you mad at him?" He sighed heavily, "Don't lie." He was silent.

"Annoyed, and grateful, but not mad… no." I looked up at him to see his calm expression.

"Annoyed and grateful?"

"As much as I can read Jasper, he can read me. Knowing what we know is always a burden... People hide thoughts, and feelings, but we know them anyway. In our family we keep those things to ourselves. To a point it's annoying that he broke the privacy barrier and could give you a replica of what I feel, but I'm also grateful because, now you understand somewhat, I think." I nodded my head. "But you still have no idea how much I love you… how much we all love you." I smiled again.

"Maybe not."

"Definitely not."

"Maybe."

"Will it never end?"

"Only when my heart stops beating." I internally cringed at my comment, why did I have to ruin it. He pulled me tighter to him. I could feel his lips smile in my hair again.

"Have you thought any more about my condition then?" Damn, did he have to sound so hopeful. I groaned.

"No, not specifically."

"What then if not about our marriage?" I couldn't keep the cringe off of my face at the phrasing.

"I need to talk to Carlisle." He stiffened, I realized he would take that the wrong way, not that there was a right way, I quickly explained. "Not about that. I don't want him to feel guilty, and if the only reason he offered to change me was out of guilt… well I don't want guilt to be the reason for changing me." He immediately relaxed and laughed, rolling onto his back pulling me, wrapped in my comforter on top of him.

"Guilt is not the reason he offered, I assure you. Though, Alice did mention that you wanted some one on one time with him anyway." I nodded.

"Well, to be honest… I would like one on one time, and even just some group time, with everyone. They needn't feel guilty and they need to know that. That and… I miss them. I'll find time, even if it means I loose a week's worth of sleep!" I wasn't sure if I was including Rosalie in there at the moment… I'd like to talk to her, but I don't think she had any intentions of talking with me.

"First, you're not loosing sleep over this. Second, you are the most selfless person on the planet." I smirked at the inaccurate remark.

"So you say, but have you met every single person on the planet?" I turned around in his arms so that I could look at him. He was giving me an indulgent smile.

"Let me rephrase." I raised an eye brow, nodding for him to continue. "You are the most selfless person in my world… in my life." The echoes of a not so distant past that seemed to have occurred ages ago overtook my mind.

"_I love you," I whispered._

"_You are my life now," he answered simply. _

I couldn't help the smile that slipped unnoticed across my face. It was hardly unnoticed by him, however.

"What are you thinking?" I looked up at him.

"Just thinking about the morning after you first stayed with me… well, the first time I knew you stayed with me." He continued combed his fingers through my hair. He didn't comment.

Regardless of being grounded, If I wasn't going to loose sleep, I'd still have to find a way to talk to everyone at some point… then again Edward did say Charlie was in a dead sleep.

I felt like a character in one of the newspaper cartoons who comes up with a brilliant idea, and had an exclamation point above my head. It was accompanied by a buzzing phone in Edwards jacket on my desk chair. I moved to get it, but he refused to let me go.

"It's Alice." He sighed letting me up. The look on his face one of resignation… he didn't want to let go, he wanted more time alone. I found the phone, checked the ID just to make sure, then opened it.

"And?"

"Charlie won't be waking up until just after five." I looked at the clock, it was almost eight in the morning. I wanted to go to the meadow, for more time alone with Edward, then we'd go over to their house later. "I'll see you at some point in time, later."

"Okay, oh and wear the one on the far right." I heard the smile in her voice on the other end. The call ended and I turned back to Edward. He looked slightly confused. My words had given away that we were going over, but not immediately.

"I want to go to our Meadow first." He gave me that crooked smile I loved most. Breathing became irrelevant. His eye's sparkled with amusement.

"Breathe." I inhaled and smiled at him.

"I need a Human moment." He nodded. I looked in my closet at the 'Alice designed outfits'. God knows she'd kill me if I didn't wear one, but she might hurt me if I got it dirty. Then I remembered… the one on the far right. I grabbed it, looked at it, and sighed in defeat. I went through my normal morning routine taking a shower to de-Alice my hair, and put the designer jeans on with the black tank top and dark blue button up shirt. Then I thought about what Edward was wearing, then I laughed. I went back to my room smiling at him.

"We match."

"_We match." He laughed again._

_I laughed with him , hiding a secret twinge of regret - why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?_

This was almost like round two of date two, not that one would consider Port Angeles to be date one, but all things considered... He got up from my bed.

"Climb on little coward."

"_Come on, little coward, climb on my back."_

I smiled at him. He climbed out my window shutting it behind him as we fell, though I felt none of the force when we landed. He took off running through the woods. After motorcycles, the speed and the wind didn't scare me at all. I even giggled I think. I don't think we'd had the time to do this since he'd been back… Running, just for the fun of it, though we still had a destination.

He stopped suddenly swinging me from his back sitting down cross legged and holding me in his lap. I laughed at the suddenness of his movements as well as his apparent eager attitude to spend time with me away from my father.

"Eager to get away were we?"

"Of course, weren't you?"

"Yes." I smiled. I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying the breeze. It wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold. You could feel spring, the early flowers, the budding trees, the moisture in the air, Edward. My smile grew.

"Beautiful." I was about to agree with him when his lips came crashing down on mine. My lips molded to his, I think I moaned. I let myself get lost in him as I pulled at his hair. He moved his lips across my jaw down my neck, I leaned my head to the side to allow him more access. He always knew when I needed to breath before I did. He probably took notice to avoid me passing out on him like the second time he tried kissing me.

"_You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily. _

I missed this last night. I realized we hadn't kissed since he left the previous morning. I guess I had been too focused on the family earlier… my family?

No thinking about anyone, while being kissed by Edward. I giggled at both the thought and his lips tickling the small amount of collar bone my shirt left uncovered. I felt his smile against my skin. When I had almost caught my breath he made his way back up my neck to the hollow behind my ear which effectively escalated my breath and heart rate. I tried desperately to hold in the embarrassing sounds that I made when his lips were there. I failed.

"Beautiful." He whispered making me shiver, making him smile. And his lips were back on mine. God I loved him. I tried not to be aggressive, I tried to just let myself enjoy him kissing me, to enjoy it for as long as he could handle it… but as always I failed. I always needed him, always wanted him, always taking what I could, always pushing for more, because I was human. That was my excuse.

My tongue came out to taste his lips, so sweet they were to my human taste buds. Then came the growl, then gently being pushed away, then his pleading dark eyes, and my regretful ones. Regret was always better to show than rejection. I didn't want him to know that, he already knew that though. Thus his eye's pleaded with me to understand and mine regretted my humanity. I sighed leaning up and kissed his forehead. He smiled softly and I returned it. I closed my eyes and snuggled into my marble Adonis just enjoying the moment, the silence, the coming warmth, and the smell of spring mixed with the smell of Edward.

Our own slice of heaven on earth.

A slice that meant nothing to me without him…

_It was the same place… but it didn't hold what I'd been searching for._

_There was nothing special about this place without _him_._

I focused on the memories of the first time _we_ were here, not the last time _I_ was here. The last time was a time of pain…meaningless pain. The first time… it was uncomfortable at first, but then the barriers between our worlds began to fall, and when he made his decision… his decision to for lack of better words, to not eat me, he had stayed with me all night. And then he had gone back to his family at some point in the early morning… now that I thought about it, I understood what Jasper was saying to a point, that Edward had been different.

_I could almost hear his eyes rolling. I'd never seen him in such high spirits before._

I'm sure I didn't understand it to the full extent, I hadn't known him before he met me. But even compared to after I'd met him, before coming to our meadow… the difference was palpable.

I moved in his lap, slightly uncomfortable and he moved me to the side and he laid down on his back with his knees up. I laid on my side and wrapped my arm around his chest, resting my head on his shoulder as his arm wrapped around me. I closed my eyes and my thoughts drifted back to Jasper and Alice.

He had shown me how the others felt. What had made him do that, had I been in that much pain? Was it because of my nightmare? Was it because of Alice? Was it just something he needed to get off of his chest? Was it just something I needed to know? Had my pain cause him pain? Had my nightmare caused Alice pain?… It had been about her abandoning me after all. I know she wouldn't do that now… but she had… back then.

"What are you thinking?" I frowned at my all of my questions and answered him, summarizing.

"Why did Jasper show me everyone's feelings? Was it my nightmare, or was it just something that needed to be said? Did my nightmare hurt Alice, did it hurt Jasper?" He closed his eyes and exhaled. I wasn't normally that blunt about what I was thinking, but I wanted to know.

"Alice, it didn't hurt her. She was glad you told her… them. But at the same time, she felt horrible, knowing that not saying goodbye to you was almost the equivalent."

"That's not…" He opened his eyes to look at me, silencing me in the process.

"I know, and at heart, so does she. But that's how she feels, that's what prompted Jasper to show you her feelings. But it wasn't just her, it's everyone else as well." I looked up at him in confusion. "He doesn't regret telling what the others feel, he was hoping I wouldn't kill him for it," He chuckled at that. "Even though he feels guilty about breaking confidence to a certain extent, it's something that has been causing him… discomfort. Everyone is still in pain for leaving you. Everyone." I let that sink in for a bit.

"Okay." I wasn't looking at him

"Like he said, you do have strong emotions for a human, your dream wasn't too bad, he's felt worse, but your pain caused him pain, yes. Knowing that pain… knowing everyone's pain led him to let you feel how everyone felt, because they can not find it within themselves to forgive themselves." I looked up at him as he looked to the clouds, knowing that he was a part of "them".

"Does anyone else know what happened?"

"No, if any one finds out, it will be from you. Jasper wanted to come clean with everyone about it, but Alice told him everyone would understand in the end of things, and to leave it to you."

"Oh, and what did she see that would bring her to say that?" I raised an eye brow.

"Alice didn't see last night, but now the future is actually a lot clearer for her. She's blocked me quite well on that matter. The most I've gotten out of her is what she told Jasper and I. She said last night set off a chain reaction of some sort, to which I have not been made privy too." I could hear the annoyance, and a need for a distraction.

"A chain reaction you say? Last I checked we weren't in a chemistry or a demolition class." He laughed, relieved by the poor attempt at changing the subject.

"Not that kind of chain reaction."

"What kind then?" I asked.

"I don't know." We were both quiet for a while after that. I really didn't think about much, I was just enjoying my temporary freedom from the confines of my house… and my time alone with Edward. I looked up to his face, and his eye's were distant and his eye brows furrowed. He was thinking, I knew that. But what was it that he was working over. Should I ask, should I not…

"Bella?" Perhaps those questions were moot.

"Hmm?"

"You… you told her your nightmare last night." I winced at that. "I know… Charlie, when I'm around, he thinks about the difference between you now, and after I left, and after you started hanging out with Jacob." Wince number two, Jacob hadn't come up in conversation since his betrayal. " When you started staying in LaPush a lot, you stopped screaming. You don't scream now, but you still have nightmares… is it the same one you used to have, just without the screaming?"

"No." I really did not want to get into this now.

"What is it? What troubles you? What can I do? I'll do _anything_." His voice cracked on the last word. My head shot up to his face from staring at my hand on his shirt. I could see it in his eyes… there was no qualifications for anything. Had he truly sunk so low? Should I have interrupted his thoughts, how had he gone from chain reactions to nightmares.

"Edward, it's nothing too bad. When there isn't screaming, normally it's," I paused, I didn't want him in more pain, but would the truth bring relief as well? "Well normally it's just Victoria, with the occasional vampire vs. werewolf. Why what do I say?" I had avoided any names, generally it was Edward and Jacob. Just like that first dream I'd had after figuring out what Edward was, and just before I figured out what Jacob was. The Vampire and the Werewolf, only the wolf was now russet in color and Edward didn't have fangs. If it had been under different circumstances that thought might have elicited an actual laugh.

"You don't. When you're having a nightmare, you toss and turn, but you say nothing. You still talk when it's just a normal dream, but… I lay there wondering if I should wake you up, if I…" He stopped and just looked at me. More than once I'd woken up in the middle of the night in the past few weeks to a worried Edward.

"Wake me if you want, they're just dreams, they aren't terrifying anymore." He shifted so that he too, was on his side, facing me. He leaned on one arm and he lifted his other hand to my cheek, brushing his thumb along my cheek bone.

"I wish I could take it back." I had wished that too, but it got us no where.

"You can't." His eye's pierced through mine.

"I know." His eye's were sad and full of regret. I wondered if that would ever go away.

"_Time, I suppose, will be the only way to convince you."_

Perhaps time is what he needed as well. He was looking up to the clouds again and his next growl was loud and unexpected and full of frustration.

"I should have been here… I should have been _here_!" My hand lifted from his chest and I raised it to his cheek.

"Edward?" Black eye's full of self hate looked at me, beyond me. He sat up and pulled me to him, once again cradling me. Holding me just a little too tight. He didn't look down at me, he was looking across the meadow into the trees.

"Laurent wouldn't have been a problem, he would have never been here. You wouldn't have been here. Why? Why did you have to be here at the same time. Why did the Dog have to be the one to save you? Why did it have to be here? Why did he have to ruin our meadow, our place of peace?"

_I glossed over beginning, skipping the motorcycles and the voices, but telling her everything else right up to today's misadventure._

_I could imagine what he was hearing in Alice's thoughts now. Near-drowning, stalking vampires, werewolf friends…_

I had told Alice, she had told Edward. I hadn't realized he would have as much an issue with Laurent coming here as I had. Then again, this was his place before I showed up, his place which he shared with me. A place were he finally began to come to terms with there being an "us".

"Edward?" I raised my hand to his cheek again pressing for him to look at me. He obliged. His eyes still dark. "Laurent didn't ruin our meadow." I was preaching to the choir, "This wasn't our meadow, when you were gone. It was just another field of grass and flowers, nothing more. With us, this place could be burned and charred and covered in blood, but it would still be our meadow. Nothing can ruin this place for us if we don't let it." Our eye remained locked, but something we hadn't felt in quite some time erupted between us. It was always there but it hadn't been this powerful since… the day after Port Angeles.

_I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that it was possible to be _more_ aware of him than I already was. _

The only difference now, was we no longer had any reservations about being able to touch each other without disaster.

"Bella." His voice was strained.

"Edward." My whisper barely there.

We were already touching… but we needed more. His lips where on mine, he wasn't in full control… neither was I. It wasn't gentle, but it didn't hurt. It made me feel wanted. Neither of us were thinking, and right now, it didn't matter. I just needed to be closer to him. He fell on his back pulling me up, then rolled me onto my back as he rolled on top of me holding his weight above me, yet still letting me feel him along me. He was kissing me, holding me to him as my hands roamed his back. I needed to breathe, his lips trailed down my jaw, down my neck. I arched into him needing more… I didn't know exactly what more I needed, it was just more.

He brought his lips back to mine and my tongue slipped out to trace his bottom lip, I whimpered, I was too occupied to be embarrassed. He growled at me, or maybe just in general, but my tongue was quickly hidden away, knowing the end _should_ be coming, yet knowing it wasn't. Instead he opened his mouth slightly and his tongue traced my bottom lip, and my human, involuntary response was to buck my hips against him. And we both froze. The electricity disappeared.

I looked down and then up and he was looking at me with a perfect impersonation of a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car.

"Sorry." And he was gone. Across the meadow and turned away from me.

"Sorry?" I gasped as I sat up.

It was like a slap in the face. And it wasn't just the rejection, however much it hurt, I'd gotten somewhat used to that one. No, this was for what should have been an obvious issue. Edward was born in 1901, changed in 1918. Such a reaction would have been improper, but so would making out with anyone but one's wife… and clearly he wasn't reconciling the two.

I walked over to him, he did not move thankfully. I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. Muffling into his back,

"I know you're from 1918 Edward and I know why we keep things chaste. But this is 2007, you've nothing to be embarrassed about reacting to me… to us. God knows I react to you." I giggled at that last statement. I'm sure he could feel the blush.

"Bella my control," I squeezed my arms around him. He didn't have to explain that part. I knew my blood made things harder for him "I'm s…" I cut him off."If you say sorry one more time, there will be injury and it's going to be me, because your rock solid." He chuckled and his shoulders relaxed some and turned around to face me.

"Ready to go see everyone?" Yeah, I was, and the run would give him time to cool down.

"Yep."

"Climb up." And we were running.

We were silent, enjoying the wind in our hair, the blur of trees passing us by, and most of all spending time together doing something he loved. Something he could relax in, something he didn't have to think about. I smirked. As the wind rushed behind us I leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

"I hope your thinking about not hitting trees." He laughed loudly, joyously.

"_Silly Bella," He chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, It's not something I have to think about."_

"Of course I'm not, Silly Bella." He took one of my hands from around his neck and kissed my palm. He turned his head so that he could see me leaning over his shoulder, then he replied,

"I'm thinking of you."

* * *

AN: I hope you like this, It's version 4 draft 5 (not including the drafts of the other versions… Last chapter was the same general idea… this fic just doesn't like me, ish)... Yup! And on the odd chance you didn't catch on, the italics was dialogue from Twilight and New Moon.

And **question** for the **readers**: Should I change the summery, or the characters or anything for this story, seeing how it's going, or do you think it's acceptable to keep it as is?

R and R ^_^


	3. A Mother's Guilt Esme

AN: I'm ALIVE! Authors note at the end.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON (Yes I realize that this would be the wrong category): Anyway there is a small section in here that is discussed that boarders on M-ish sort of content being discussed. But nothing explicit is mentioned or named. Just a forewarning

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, or it's character. Stephenie Meyer does. I'm just messing around with empty space and time.

A Mother's Guilt

~ Esme ~

I don't know how long he ran, but it was probably longer than it needed to be. Though I understood I guess. I was fighting my own giddiness, trying to reason with myself that finally getting one's boyfriend to react to you is not a reason to feel like you won an Olympic medal. In fact one should feel sorry for getting into such a situation that would leave one's boyfriend clearly embarrassed… because he was an early twentieth century prude. It wasn't helping, I still feel like I won something of huge significance… I really needed to get my head out of the gutter.

At the same time, it was hard not to sink back in because no matter how much Edward said he wanted me, the fear was still there, it was instinctual now, to fear him leaving me. But on the physical level of things, I had always wanted him physically. And I know he always fought off his blood lust as I tried and failed to fight off my… Edward lust, and I had always worried that he was attracted to my blood, and not to me. It was one of those things we really didn't talk about, a worry that was always in the back of my head. It was a worry that had just been squashed… for now anyway.

Rushing green momentarily became swirling white until we came to a full stop in the Cullen living room.

"Bells!" Before anything came into focus Emmett had me wrapped in his arms squeezing me so tightly I couldn't breathe.

"Let her breathe Emmett!" His hold lessened some. Thank god for Edward.

"Sorry sis, was just excited to see you. You haven't been back since… well, um we officially decided we wanted to make you the worlds first clumsy vampire." I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out at that. I felt guilty for almost ignoring him, okay… ignoring everyone except for Edward and Alice, but the rest weren't at school, and I was grounded… and then he makes fun off me in a light hearted way, it made me hug my giant soon-to-be-brother back.

"Missed you too Emmett," I managed to mumble out against his shirt. He leaned back then, and I continued, "But I'm grounded, so I can't go anywhere except for school and Newtons." He released me and stared at me with a frown.

"That didn't stop you from coming last time!"

"Well, I didn't know what the terms of my grounding where at the time, and I had just woken up from a two day nap." I shot back at him.

"Ah, loopholes. I'm the best at finding those!"

"That he is. Now get back here, lets finish this!" Jasper spoke, from somewhere behind Emmett

"Yeah, yeah." Emmett was immediately sitting down next to Jasper on the couch and the sounds of a car chase came from the TV, cop sirens included. I sighed lightly and sat down in one of the loveseats and Edward sat next to me holding me close as we watched the two play. This wasn't an unfamiliar sight, last summer Jasper and Emmett loved to play videogames when they weren't out roughhousing. And it was times like these that you could sort of forget that your hanging out with vampires.

Except for last summer… Jasper had stayed away from me as much as was "polite" as much as he could get away with, without Alice giving him a look. I understood of course, I understand… He had said that when they were gone, that he had worked on his control… when they were gone I assume, but he was still worried it wasn't enough. Would he be closer now, or would he still keep his distance?

"Bella!" I braced myself for yet another breath defying (literally) hug, from Alice, however, all I felt was a small breeze and a brief embrace. I opened my eyes, that I hadn't even realized I closed only to see Edward standing and Alice who was crossing her arms across her chest as she looked at him amused as Edward donned a look I don't think I had ever seen on him… no I take that back I saw it about fifteen minutes ago, although this wasn't so much looking like a deer in the head lights as it was pure mortification with a dash of… embarrassment? A large crash came from the television speakers,

"I WIN!" Emmett shouted as Jasper roared with laughter. I turned to see what he was laughing at. Emmett was looking at him curiously too, we looked at each other clueless as Jasper settled down.

"Alice what did you do to the poor man?" He finally said. She looked back at her husband with a smile rivaling that of the Cheshire cat.

"_I_ didn't do anything!" She laughed as Edward stood with an arm crossed over his stomach and the elbow of the other arm resting on it, as his thumb and index finger pinched the bridge of his nose.

Despite his earlier look… this one was more than familiar. He was trying to focus on his own thoughts. I wondered what exactly Alice had seen, and what Jasper had felt… what Edward felt. Though I did not have the opportunity to wonder long.

"Bella?" I turned to see Esme, who looked as if approaching a wounded animal. I guess in some ways, that's exactly what I was… but I was already beginning to heal.

"Esme!" I smiled brightly at her as I took a step towards her. The look on her face had me running to close the very short distance between her and I. The pull to Esme was a call that I had not felt in a while. So empty from Edwards loss, the bonds I had with the others easily melted into the mix of pain, but the loss of Esme held its own place of pain. She filled a hole that Renee had never quite been able to fit into.

I wrapped my arms around her as I slammed into her. She stood stock still and I stood still in response. I almost had said a mandatory Sorry but she inhaled deeply before I could and she wrapped her arms around me just as tightly as I had mine around her. I inhaled and immediately melted into her embrace, hugging her just that much closer.

I had never been good at showing my emotions, especially with Charlie. Hugs were awkward with him, and with my mother… hugs were mandatory to keeping her calm, making sure she felt safe. But with The Cullen's, it just seemed a natural part of being… of existing.

Edwards embrace always made me feel safe. Alice's embrace seemed to transfer her enthusiasm and her love. Emmett's embrace made me feel like the kid sister who had that big brother I'd always dreamed of having. And Esme's embrace was like going back in time…

I had never minded taking care of Renee. Taking care of people was natural for me… but that didn't mean I had never wanted to be taken care of. Edward, in his way, has taken care of me, but there was nothing like the warmth of a mothers embrace. I pulled myself closer to her.

As much as I would never admit it, when I was younger, much younger, I use to dream of being a different girl with a different mother, a mother who would give me those warm embraces, rather than me give them to her… but I grew up, and it was a pointless thing to think about… I never though I'd get what I had once dreamed of.

Esme had given me hugs throughout the summer, and I had slowly become spoiled by them. The last hug I had from her was at the Airport, and that had been somewhat rushed, and the last time I had been here was all business. I had gone far too long without Esme's hugs.

"I missed you… missed your hugs," I mumbled into her shoulder.

"I missed you too dear Bella. I missed you too." I felt her hand brush through my hair a few times as I inhaled her scent… even her scent screamed of everything maternal, it was as soothing as her embrace was.

"I'm still grounded, but my dad's sleeping… do you think that maybe you could possibly briefly ignore the parental gossip code about me being over here?"

"I think I can look the other way." I smiled, feeling slightly conspiratorial… not in the way that I had with the bikes, but in the way that your mother knows you're seeing someone your dad hates, but doesn't tell your father until she may have talked positively of your boyfriend a few times to him, softening him to the big reveal... Something I never had a problem with.

"Thanks." I sighed again,

And then my stomach growled. Cue immediate blush and a laughing Emmett.

"Almost 11:30," She said as she leaned back, and we slowly let go of each other. She smiling brightly at me, her eyes reflecting the light of the TV more than it normally would… venom tears that would never fall, "What would you like for Lunch?" She asked me. Before I could think, my knee jerk reaction to being taken care of began to fly out of my mouth,

"Esme you…" I felt a small wave of motherly love, and a need to provide… a need to mother, a subtle reminder from Jasper. I swallowed my need for independence and sent gratitude in his direction, "You could make a PB&J, if you want to."

She looked happy, that I hadn't told her what she had most likely thought I was going to say… what I would have said. But she gave me a stern look, that made me look at my shoes.

"A little birdie told me that someone," I could almost feel Edward tense behind me, before he wrapped his arms around me as Esme continued, "forgot to make sure you ate breakfast this morning."

"Well I wasn't thinking about food at the time." It was honestly a sore subject between Edward and I… and Alice… and apparently Esme as well. It's not like I had really paid attention to how much I ate or didn't eat when they were gone, I just ate if I was hungry and until I was full. Charlie had noticed my decrease in appetite, he knew that was normal for depression, and my baggy clothing hid the difference, as I avoided physical contact like the plague and by the time anything had probably been noticeable, he had stopped bothering to come in when I screamed in the night… He hadn't known just how much I had lost… nor had Alice noticed… Edward noticed… I had been subjected to a mini health class, and constant prodding to make sure that I ate more than I felt like I could, trying to get me back to the amount I used to eat before they…

At this point I was almost afraid to step foot in Carlisle's office, he'd probably go all concerned doctor with health charts as references, on me.

"You need more than a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich dear," I couldn't help the flare of annoyance at that statement… I almost wanted to say, Why? Are you fattening me up for a feast? But I knew that wasn't true, and it was insensitive, and my annoyance was pushed to the side by concern and more love, and fear…

Was Jasper breaking confidence with Esme to do this? To make me understand? I felt guilty for it, despite how obvious it may be to see… to feel it seemed like an invasion of privacy… all this from feeling fear, what did she fear?

"Love?" Edwards arms tightened around me. I broke out of my stupor and looked back up at Esme,

"Well seeing as I wasn't hungry for breakfast earlier" Edward stiffened slightly, " how about breakfast for lunch?" It was a wide enough category, she could make what she wanted in the amount she thought appropriate.

"Alright dear," She was smiling again as she turned to walk towards the kitchen. I felt her fear instantly replaced with happiness, my guilt rose again.

Jasper and Emmett went back to playing their video game, but our strange conversation did not end.

My guilt was left alone as a different tenor, Jasperstenor, of guilt was added, and understanding in that same tenor replaced my guilt…

… Jasper didn't have a choice, except for to feel what others felt, he understood my brief guilt more than I could ever understand it myself, just the same I pushed my understanding on his guilt…

Edward walked me over to the second couch and I sat between Edward and Alice, I stared blankly at the screen, only noticing these changes briefly, as conversing with Jasper like this was taking an extraordinary amount of focus.

It was so strange to compartmentalize each emotion. It was like a long hallway, with doors on each side directly across from each other. One emotion per room. You could let an emotion in and out, you could swap emotions, or you could put an emotion in the room opposite it, and they would cancel out… That's what this brief abstract conversation felt like.

The guilt and the understanding disappeared as Esme's motherly love replaced it, along with something else. I was confused for a moment before that something went away and one of my own emotions was thrown back at me, it took a moment to identify. It's how I felt when I was closing myself off from others, I had done that so much my first few weeks of school… and still did it to a lot of people, because of the Cullen's secret.

The strange emotion came back, into the door opposite of feeling closed off… and they both disappeared. The direct opposite of being closed off was being open. Understanding washed through me as I began to understand that Esme was very open about what she felt, though perhaps not to the level that Emmett was, she did not hide her emotions either.

He let my guilt come back, and Esme's openness descended upon it, going into the opposite room, leaving me with no reason to feel guilt. But I was still left wondering why he had shared her feelings with me.

My attention was brought back to the hallway as two emotions were highlighted… the first was confusion, that one dimmed, then he highlighted curiosity… then he highlighted the feeling of closing myself off, then the surprisingly desperate need to be mothered.

I understood, and the hallway faded.

He was helping me let go… helping me, let myself be taken care of, without forcing acceptance on me, as he had yesterday with Alice and her desire to Barbie me. He was using emotions, in a completely foreign way… foreign, as in foreign language, a language so impossibly vast, and with a limited vocabulary, he had managed to form a logical argument, for me to let Esme do something as simple as cooking lunch for me.

I conjured up my own hallway, it was small, my vocabulary limited. And instead of feeling Gratitude and Brotherly love, I put the idea of that each emotion in a different room, on the positive side of things. Focused on those two different things. And I felt it, but it wasn't like feeling it, it was like saying it.

His reply was immediate. Sisterly love, and gratitude of his own. Before I could "voice" my confusion, he highlighted a very foreign feeling. It was vampire… I realized this entire "conversation" had been in human emotions, but the emotion now was changing… I recognized the change despite the foreign feeling of it. He had finally forgiven himself for my birthday. But he was thanking me for my forgiveness.

I felt the tell tale signs of my blush, which though I wasn't paying attention to the outside world, I could feel myself instinctively react, trying to hide it with my hair. I picked out Happiness, the kind of happiness I felt when I was here, with family, and more brotherly love.

I let the hallway fade, and I brought my consciousness back to the forefront of my mind, a place I hadn't realized I had left. Four vampires were staring at me. My eyes briefly glanced at the clock, only to realize that my small conversation had lasted about ten minutes. My eye brows shot up and I felt Edwards hand brush back my hair and my blush came back full force. Alice gave me a quick hug and peck on the cheek and she went to go sit by her husband who was giving me a reassuring smile as Emmett looked at me slightly confused.

"Dude you totally zoned out… kind of like Alice is half the time!" She whacked him on the head, though that didn't stop him from laughing. I looked down to my lap.

"How I wish I could get inside your head." Edward whispered in my ear. I repressed a shudder that was asking to be let out. I saw Alice nudge Jasper. Then with a confidence I didn't know I had, I turned to face Edward and looked him square in they eye. Our lips mere centimeters apart. How I held my composure I had no idea. But I said something that I had always thought, but never had the nerve to say.

"If you want things to stay chaste between us," I place my hand on his upper thigh, "then it's a very good thing you can't hear _exactly_ what I'm thinking, _precisely_ when I'm thinking it."

He swallowed. His eyes darkened noticeably.

"Bella, your lunch is ready." Alice said in the distance. I slowly got up and walked into the kitchen with confidence, through a daze… which abruptly ended as soon as I entered the kitchen. Esme smiled, visible amusement in her eyes. My initial reaction was complete mortification, and then there was anger fueled by my mortification. I opened my mouth,

"Sorry Bella!" Jasper yelled from the next room, not bothering to hide the smile in his voice. I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. The anger that had flared so suddenly had died just as quickly, as my reluctant forgiveness was given,

"No your not." I mumbled as I heard three distinct laughs, one of which was beside me. Though Esme's was far, far quieter than Emmett's. How the heck was I supposed to look at Edward now?

"It's at the table dear." I inhaled appreciatively as I sat down at the dining table, where my plate was made for me, and the dishes to make everything had already been cleaned, nothing for me to do... She knew me too well.

"Thank you Esme." I dug into the scrambled eggs first.

"You're welcome dear. Do you mind if I sit with you?"

"Sure." I thought nothing of it, as I did with Edward. It was easy for me to understand the want to make sure that one's cooking is enjoyed. She might not be able to eat with me, but her other children had no need for her cooking skills. This was a chance for her to be a mother, to make sure her… her child was fed, that her child was taken care of… that I was taken care of.

I swallowed my bite of maple syrup covered pancake, swallowing my tears with it. I took another bite, sighing in satisfaction as my once growling stomach was no longer on empty. I took a sip of orange juice before sticking my fork in a sausage link… I stared at it for a moment. What was the likely hood that of all the strange odds and ends that the Cullen's kept in their refrigerator, that they would have sausage links?

"Did Alice…?" I was trying to phrase my question but I didn't have to,

"Yes, she and Emmett went out this morning."

"Thank you." I said, almost quieter than normal.

"Welcome Bella!" I heard Alice's bell like voice, but Emmet's volume made only his words heard. I smiled, as I continued eating.

I had eaten all of my eggs and my two sausage links and half of my two pancakes and half of my orange juice when I felt full to the brim. I leaned my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arm around me as she scooted her chair closer, kissing my forehead, then leaning her head on mine. Whispering,

"You should eat more…." At one time I had been able to eat this meal, with larger proportions of everything. I had a late lunch that Saturday, but still ate dinner when I normally did.

"I know, I'm just enjoying the tired happy full feeling before I do." She chuckled. I sat there for a few moments,

"I honestly wish everyone could enjoy your cooking. Maybe I could drag my dad over here for an outdoor sort of thing when it's warmer?" I made it into a question… I know my father wasn't exactly the happiest with the Cullen's… "Maybe he would soften up if you cooked for him?" I felt her smile against her hair.

"Perhaps an indoor thing, sooner… a bit easier for transferring food to the freezer without it being noticed… if your father would like something like that." I thought it over when Alice came in and sat across from me smiling. I turned to face her, keeping my head on Esme's slightly uncomfortably hard shoulder.

"Tomorrow night, with Esme and Carlisle and you. We'll say that Edward has been ignoring us… which he has, so we're going to drag him on a sibling trip to the movies with all five of us."

"When do I ask him?" She smirked.

"You don't ask him. Esme do you mind If I ruin the surprise to make Bella cooperate?" What surprise?

"That's fine dear."

"Edward will take you home just before five and Esme will stop by with something homemade, and Charlie will wake up just as Esme is leaving. You'll be getting ready to put it in the refrigerator when your dad comes down stairs, He'll ask if that's dinner as he will be hungry, then you will proceed to tell him that Esme made it and dropped it off for the both of you after hearing that he worked the night shift after working the day shift as well.

"He will then feel obliged after experiencing Esme's superb cooking skills, to call her and thank her. Esme will then invite him and you over for dinner tomorrow night, while her cooking and his happy stomach are still fresh in his mind. He'll be a bit flustered but unable to say no, considering it will just be the four of you.

"He'll go fishing in the morning, and then you both will be here by 6:00 and dinner will be waiting." Alice finished and smiled. I opened was just about to ask, when Alice answered.

"Yes, everyone is more than fine with it." I nodded.

"Alright."

"You should finish eating up before it gets too cold and soggy." Esme smiled at me placing another kiss in my hair. I sighed, knowing my stomach had settled, and knowing she was right. I sat back up and grabbed my fork…

"You know, being told to eat more by my Vampire mother is far less annoying than being told to eat more by my Vampire boyfriend." I looked back up at her, her eye's shining. I realized what I had said. I had no regrets. I smiled then took another sip of orange juice.

Then I heard a loud crash in the other room, and Emmett and Jasper were laughing again.

"Boys!" Esme said, in a very stern, do not mess with the mother, sort of voice.

"What exactly was that?" I questioned slightly wary.

"Emmett was being… Non-Prudish." Alice explained. It took me a second to figure out what Emmett could have possibly gotten out of that sentence besides mother. When a memory of one of my mothers very, very brief phases that lead to a lot of noise with a misplaced instruction packet leading my mother to give me the sex talk at the age of eight. I felt my blush as I sat up in my seat, looking at Alice while trying to keep the embracement from my voice.

"Please inform Emmett that one generally works their way up to that stuff and I'll be starting from scratch." Complete and utter silence emanated from the other room, "And tell Jasper to stop with the artificial confidence." Alice smirked.

"That's all you."

"I'm still blaming Jasper." Alice and Esme both chuckled, as I began to eat more of my pancakes for something to do that would not require speaking.

"I'll go make sure they don't destroy anything else." Alice left still smiling. Esme broke the silence shortly there after.

"I know many your age are well aware of…" She paused searching for the correct wording, I saved her the effort.

"But why do I know about such things?" I finished for her, she nodded looking slightly embarrassed herself. "When my mother started dating again, she went for well… guys a bit more on the wild side than, from what Renee said, Charlie ever was. And Renee being as unorganized as she was, didn't pay attention to where she left some of her boyfriends… stuff and I came across said… stuff and a few" I cringed, "Pictures. I immediately grabbed my backpack and did my homework in my room rather than at the table. When my mother realized what had probably occurred… She apologized, a lot, and then she gave me a somewhat detailed version of the sex talk at the age of eight."

I saw Esme in my peripheral vision shake her head with her eye's closed, her lips in a scowl that didn't belong. I chugged the last of my orange juice having eaten nearly everything on my plate. But there was no way the last half of the last pancake was going down after talking about that. It made my stomach more than queasy. I pushed the plate back a bit to which she promptly made disappear. She placed a hand on my shoulder,

"Feel up for a walk in the garden?" I squashed the instinctual thrill of fear that rushed through me at those words and a burst of reassurance rinsed away my internal frown. Once again, I found myself thankful for my empathic brother. Though knowing that he was still here let me know that the boys likely did in fact hear my explanation to Esme. I blushed at the thought and plastered a smile on my face and nodded, answering her question.

"Sure." I would just not think about it for the moment, this was a walk with Esme in her space to think and relax. She grabbed a jacket for me and I put it on as I followed her outside.

It was a beautiful work of art hidden behind the house. You could see that some of it had been left unkempt, though she had cleaned up and replaced a good portion of the plants, some still needed replacing and the areas around them needed some clean up. Even so, everything Esme placed in her garden just fit, and always had. She had even let me help her plant some of her flowers and bushes, I guess that had kind of been our bonding time. I never really understood how I could be helping her when I was slower to her than a snail was to me, but she said that plants require the delicate touch and care of a human hand, so she did her best to replicate the time and energy spent on creating her ever growing masterpiece. She said that I didn't slow her down, I just added a true human element.

She had a flower or a plant for every member of the family hidden throughout her garden. Jokingly she had said that if either Freesia or Strawberries could handle so much water and so little sun, she would have added those because of my scent. But she said she chose something more fitting of who I was rather than my "fragrance". I never had figured out what it was.

When she told me that this was her sanctuary, I had been confused and apologetic for encroaching, even though she was the one to invite me. But then she told me that spending time with a daughter was more of a sanctuary than anything else.

And then she left. They all left, I was just a pet like Laurent said.

"Bella, oh Bella." I heard Esme whisper in my ear, dragging me back into the present. My arms were wrapped around myself, holding myself together. The memory of the gaping hole within my chest faded as I processed the fact that someone else was holding me together, someone with cold arms and a warm heart. A sob broke from my mouth before I realized it was there.

"I'm sorry, so sorry." She choked out. I shook my head as I gripped the back of her shirt.

"N-not your F-fault." I rested my ear against her silent heart as I tried blinking away my tears. It frightened me, how easy it was to fall back into the memory of pain. How abrupt it was at the slightest trigger. I couldn't focus on it, and I didn't want to, that pain was in the past. Something I would never have to deal with again… I pushed it all aside and looked besides us, looked at the product of Esme's love and care.

I saw nearest to us was a new raised flower bed, one that had a roof with a second small flower bed on top. There was nothing in the top yet, but on the bottom were the two things that Esme said didn't grow well in Forks weather, too much rain and not enough sun. My breath hitched.

She came back. She built something new, something to protect and care for Strawberries and Freesias in an unnatural environment.

"Just because they're in an environment that most would say is unhealthy, doesn't mean that they won't thrive, given the proper care and a little extra TLC." She paused, letting her words sink in. Hidden by the wood sides that went down past the actual roof, was an artificial sun light, and the roof, the second flower bed protected them from too much rain.

A human member of a vampire family… an unnatural environment. But I was cared for, and I was protected, I was a part of her garden, her family… human or not.

I clung to the woman who for all intents and purposes, would be my mother for the rest of eternity. I let my tears go unchecked, basking in the comfort that Esme brought me until I shivered slightly from the cold I hadn't really noticed. She pulled back and I let my death grip on her lighten as her eyes met mine.

"Leaving you, a daughter behind is the greatest regret I harbor, because you bring us so much hope. You make the Cullen family whole. You make Edward whole, you make him happy. I can never thank you enough for that. I have no right to ask for forgiveness, but I'll make you a promise, I promise that I'll always be here if you need a… a mother to talk to. I could never replace Renee and I don't want to, but I'll be here just the same."

I closed my eyes with a smile on my face. What was it with vampires and thinking they didn't deserve forgiveness? I opened my eyes finding hers open and honest and I said the only thing that made sense to say,

"I love you mom." Her eyes danced with a sudden burst of happiness as she pulled me into another hug,

"As I love you my daughter." Warmth filled me inside and out,

"And there's nothing to forgive, you're here now and forever. That's what matters." She laughed out a sob as she pulled back again, holding me out by my shoulders. We smiled at each other in a way that Renee and I hadn't in a very long time. No, Esme could not replace Renee, just as Renee could never fill the hole that Esme did.

"Come on, let's get you inside and warmed up." My tears had stopped but the red eyes remained I'm sure. Hell they probably all heard it, but at this point, I don't think I really cared.

"Alright."

We headed back to the back porch in comfortable silence, walking through a beautiful garden, slowly being rebuilt with time, with care, and with love.

* * *

AN: Well it's been a friggin long time since I've been on Fanfic for anything substantial I do appologize… and there are many, many, many, a reason for this but here I am with another chapter that had been partially written for a very long time, I just couldn't figure out how to end it…. So I ended it in a garden :D

And yes I am keeping it a Bella Jasper family fic, because Jasper having been the first to be forgiven and having her feel what the other feel, will be guiding her and the rest of the Cullen's to find their peace.

Thus the liberties I took with how Jasper's ability works as well as how Bella compartmentalizes things, or feelings in this case. Hope you don't mind too much…

Let me know what you think and maybe I'll get inspiration from something someone says… I'm trying to figure out what to do next chapter without it being a filler...?

Anywho untill later, my readers


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